Eyes Up. Ears Open.

Sunflowers are so cool. While a sunflower is actively growing, it literally reaches for the sun as it tracks the light across the sky from sunrise to sundown. Heliotropism is the fancy Scientific word to describe the behavior. I think we could learn a thing or two from these beautiful flowers. I mean, do you ever feel like you’re not “tracking” in one way or another? Yeah, me too. Just this week actually.

I woke up yesterday with a song in my mind. One phrase on repeat, again and again and again. Confession: I am not excited when this happens! It actually drives me a little bananas.

“Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me. Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me…”

I headed out for my morning walk planning to listen to another song and reset my brain. I fumbled with my phone in my gloved up hands, all the while this one phrase from this one song was rolling around in my mind. But, I was determined and a tiny bit frustrated. Until something stopped me dead in my tracks. “Are you listening? Pay attention. Walk with Me.”

It wasn’t an audible voice, but I’ve learned to recognize this kind of interruption — a gentle (or sometimes not-so-gentle) nudge in my spirit. So, I walked and talked to God — about all kinds of things. And I listened.

I prayed about finances and a job opportunity. “…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed about family matters. “…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed about ministry. “…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed about friendships and deep community. “…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed about a broken down car — again. “Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed through some discouragement. “…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed about the grief and heartache lingering after walking away from one season while feeling completely uncertain about what’s next.

“…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

“Are you listening? Pay attention.”

Here’s the thing: God is really, really good at being God.  And He always does what’s good and best. During my walk, after every single request, that one phrase from the one song rang out in my head as a clear reminder that He’s got every detail well in-hand. And before the end of that day, God made that truth evident to me in multiple ways. I’m grateful He stopped me in my tracks that morning, otherwise, I might have missed it. For the last few days, I hadn’t been paying attention. I wasn’t tracking with Him. And, He knew it. But, in His kindness, He reminded me that He hems me in, before and behind and His goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. Good days, bad days, and every day in-between. Because, Jesus.

And if it’s true for me, it’s true for you, too. Don’t forget to remember. Eyes up. Ears open. Pay. Attention.

{All these years later ...}

Someone recently said, “You would think all these years later, it wouldn’t be so bad.” That’s true, until it’s not. Like today. This is the day Hailey died.

I will not likely forget that morning.  The moment is seared into my memory. Several of us were piled in a small room sleeping on the floor.  The hospital staff had graciously offered the space, and it was an improvement on the uncomfortable, unforgiving chairs and sofa in the waiting room. It was a tight squeeze, but I appreciated having people I loved dearly within arm’s reach. The door cracked open, and the light from the hallway cut through the room. It was so bright. It seemed intrusive. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, thinking that whoever had just opened the door might go away if I just pretend to be asleep. They didn’t go away.

The next thing I knew, I was standing in the cold hallway being told to scrub up. Things hadn’t gone well for Hailey during the night, and now I needed to go see her.

She was two days post-heart surgery. I couldn’t hold her. In fact, it seemed impossible to get to her at all through the jungle of wires and monitors. But I found her tiny hand. Her little body had been so traumatized by the surgery. She was swollen, and her skin was a strange shade of pasty white. I held her hand, stroked the bottoms of her tiny feet, and kissed the top of her head a hundred times, tears streaming down my face. I was so tired, and this was the moment it seemed to sink all the way in that she actually might not come home with me. She didn’t open her eyes that morning, but I stood with her for as long as I could before the monitors screamed and the nurses hurried me out of the room. She only lived a few more hours. And when the doctor delivered the news, I was utterly devastated.

All these years later…

I know it’s ok not to be ok. I also know I belong to a God who makes it His business to heal the broken-hearted and bind up wounds, even those that pierce us to the core. You know, the ones we think we won’t survive. Yeah, He sure does. He does a masterful job mending the things that are broken. God is so good at being God.

I know that you don’t get over these things. They mark you forever.  I also know that you can learn how to carry grief forward in a way that honors where you’ve been without keeping you from where God intends for you to go. You don’t have to get stuck. But, you also have to want to get well. I wallowed for a while, allowing resentment and bitterness to set in. But, I realize now that I’ve come to know and understand the redeeming power of God’s love in a way I might not have otherwise known BECAUSE this is part of my story. I’ve seen His goodness and faithfulness over and over again. I know He means it when He says He’s always with us, even in the valley of the shadow of death.

I know refusing to acknowledge pain and grief only leads to more pain and grief. If we have the courage to be honest with ourselves, our people, and God, then we can move through the pain and come out on the other side better for having suffered it. God can’t fully address things we refuse to acknowledge. And He cannot redeem the things we refuse to put in His hands. When standing in the middle of impossible situations, look up. Lock eyes with Jesus and let Him at your heart.

I know God weaves the strands of our lives together to make something good and beautiful. He uses all things — every moment, every tragedy, every tear, every failure, every success. God's lavish, extravagant love and power redeem and restore broken things; all things work together for good and His purpose because He loves us. That’s His promise. When you belong to Him, nothing is wasted and beyond His reach.

I know that one day He will wipe every tear from our eyes, and there will be no more pain, no more sickness, and no more death. And I know in the meantime, He holds us in the palm of His very strong hand. He is full of grace and patient, and kind beyond measure.

Be encouraged today, friends. He loves you so. If you let Him at your heart and invite Him into the broken places, into your disappointment, He will show just how much He loves you. And, it will absolutely blow your mind. There is no pain or brokenness worth holding on to compared to the treasure that He is. I had to open my hands and let go of all my stuff to grab hold of Him. There is nothing that matters more than knowing Him and loving Him. Deeply. Wholeheartedly. Unapologetically.

Because Jesus changes everything. He’s done that for me and can do it for you, too.

Sometimes . . .

God is not necessarily trying to break our hearts by directing our path through hard places. 

. . . 

But, friends, He is trying to make us look like Jesus. 

. . . 

You know what else He wants to do? 

. . . 

He wants to cultivate a deep trust in Him and dependence on Him. 

. . . 

He wants to make us ready for all the things He planned and purposed for us before we breathed our first breath. The things He sees coming that we can’t even imagine. 

. . . 

He wants to teach us how to point people to Jesus in all things. He wants to show us how He makes beautiful things out of the hard places. 

. . . 

And above all, He wants us know Him more deeply and intimately and love Him most.

. . . 

Sometimes, heartbreak leads to deeper humility and trust. Sometimes, hard things give you eyes to see Jesus more clearly than before. Why only sometimes? Because you get to choose. 

Choose to surrender. Choose to believe. Choose to trust. Choose to see. 

He cares for us deeply, and He always keeps His promises. 

But, Why? (Five-Minute Friday Style)

Go.

Why? 

Oh goodness. Sometimes, you have to let go of the need to know why. You have to be ok not knowing. Confession: I'm not always good at that. But, thankfully, Holy Spirit is patiently teaching me. There have been times when, instead of trusting God's nature, I have demanded answers from Him. Why did that happen to me? Why didn't you protect me? Why didn't you heal her? Why did you let him die? Why? There are SO many things wrong with this mindset. But, let's land here: He's God. I am not. I mistakenly believed God owed me some explanation. Real talk? He doesn't. Indeed, God can handle my questions. It's just that my questions were coming from a place of anger and bitterness. And, that's never good. Sometimes, we believe we have earned the right to be angry, and we guard the wounded places of our hearts. But God wants unrestricted access to our wounded hearts and the broken pieces of our lives. And when you invite Him to work in those fractured, hidden places, guess what happens?  You start asking different questions. And, knowing why doesn't seem all that important because you trust Him. So, instead of demanding answers to all of the whys, you ask God to reveal something of Himself to you. You ask the Holy Spirit to teach you things, to make you more like Jesus. You learn to lean into the truth that Jesus changes everything. Here's the thing: We have to want Him more than we want answers to all the why questions. He wants to be the one thing we desire above all else. We have to trust Him more than we need to have every answer. Because, friends, there are seasons of life when HE is the only thing that makes sense. He's unchanging. He's constant. He's true. And, He's perfectly trustworthy. He never gets it wrong. Never.

Stop.

When the Living God Breathes

Have you ever carried a dream for so long that is started to seem like an impossibility? I’ve been thinking about this because not too long ago a new friend asked me, “What have you been dreaming about?” The question landed on me in an unexpected way. I gave an answer, but it wasn’t really an answer. You know what I mean? I took that question to my next conversation with God because what I realized as I sat with it was that somewhere over the last few years I’ve forgotten how to dream.  A few days later B and I were at dinner with the same friends, and the question came again, this time from someone else at the table.  And over the next several weeks, God kept putting it in front of me over and over again.

As I sat with God and asked the Holy Spirit to speak to me in this area, I realized a few things.  1. I do have dreams, God-given dreams, that were buried. Pushed aside, forgotten, neglected.  2. There’s a difference between a God-dream and a good dream. 3. It’s not selfish to dream. I’m still digging in to these things. But, for now, friends, can we all agree that our God-dreams matter. There’s kingdom purpose deposited in every single one of us. 

Dreams get buried for all kinds of reasons. Maybe we’re just too busy. Maybe we’ve forgotten how to dream because we haven’t been surrounded by the right people. Maybe we push our dreams aside because we’re afraid of disappointment, rejection, or failure, so we bury them in an effort to guard our hearts against the pain of these things. Maybe we’ve carried the weight of unrealized dreams for so long that it seems almost foolish to lean in. Anybody? Yeah, I get it.

But here’s the thing: When the living God breathes in you DEAD THINGS COME BACK TO LIFE.

Read that again and let it sink in.

That’s very essence of this Gospel we preach — we’ve been invited to move from death to life — in all things through Christ Jesus. The power of the Gospel is for the moment of salvation, but it’s for every moment after that, too. When you are in Christ, the same power that raised Him from the dead lives in you. God is awakening some things for this next season in me and in Brian through the power of the Holy Spirit that lives in us.  And, if you belong to Jesus, He lives in you, too; and, He’ll do the same for you.

I love what the MSG paraphrase says in Romans 8. “It stands to reason, doesn’t it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, he’ll do the same thing in you that he did in Jesus, bringing you alive to himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and he does, as surely as he did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life.”

Can I encourage you today? If you haven’t asked God what dreams He has for you, ask Him. If you’ve forgotten how to dream, ask the Holy Spirit to teach you how. If you need God to breathe on some things in your life and awaken some things in your life, invite Him to do that. There is purpose (kingdom-purpose) assigned to your life. God wants to use YOU to point people to Jesus. Be brave. Lean in.  Imagine what might happen if we all did that?