Eyes Up. Ears Open.

Sunflowers are so cool. While a sunflower is actively growing, it literally reaches for the sun as it tracks the light across the sky from sunrise to sundown. Heliotropism is the fancy Scientific word to describe the behavior. I think we could learn a thing or two from these beautiful flowers. I mean, do you ever feel like you’re not “tracking” in one way or another? Yeah, me too. Just this week actually.

I woke up yesterday with a song in my mind. One phrase on repeat, again and again and again. Confession: I am not excited when this happens! It actually drives me a little bananas.

“Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me. Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me…”

I headed out for my morning walk planning to listen to another song and reset my brain. I fumbled with my phone in my gloved up hands, all the while this one phrase from this one song was rolling around in my mind. But, I was determined and a tiny bit frustrated. Until something stopped me dead in my tracks. “Are you listening? Pay attention. Walk with Me.”

It wasn’t an audible voice, but I’ve learned to recognize this kind of interruption — a gentle (or sometimes not-so-gentle) nudge in my spirit. So, I walked and talked to God — about all kinds of things. And I listened.

I prayed about finances and a job opportunity. “…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed about family matters. “…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed about ministry. “…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed about friendships and deep community. “…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed about a broken down car — again. “Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed through some discouragement. “…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed about the grief and heartache lingering after walking away from one season while feeling completely uncertain about what’s next.

“…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

“Are you listening? Pay attention.”

Here’s the thing: God is really, really good at being God.  And He always does what’s good and best. During my walk, after every single request, that one phrase from the one song rang out in my head as a clear reminder that He’s got every detail well in-hand. And before the end of that day, God made that truth evident to me in multiple ways. I’m grateful He stopped me in my tracks that morning, otherwise, I might have missed it. For the last few days, I hadn’t been paying attention. I wasn’t tracking with Him. And, He knew it. But, in His kindness, He reminded me that He hems me in, before and behind and His goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. Good days, bad days, and every day in-between. Because, Jesus.

And if it’s true for me, it’s true for you, too. Don’t forget to remember. Eyes up. Ears open. Pay. Attention.

{Be Excellent. What’s that mean, anyway?}

Just thinking . . . Disclaimer: One short blog post can’t possibly say all there is to say about this topic. But this is a start.

I’ve been thinking a lot about excellence. This is an easy one to misrepresent and misunderstand. I’ve been all over the map over the years on this topic. What is Biblical excellence and why does it matter? Could it have more to do with a posture of your heart than it does with the end result? Could it be about how you show up and engage more than it is about meeting a certain standard?

God deserves excellence. But, you can be super excellent and have a heart that’s far from God. In that case, your excellence doesn’t matter one bit to Him because it’s not motivated by your love for Him. When excellence becomes more about you than Him, you’re missing something.

God can, and often will, do more than we care to admit through a heart that is fully surrendered to Him and committed to keeping the main thing the main thing. He doesn’t need our lights and super-slick, polished production. He doesn’t need perfect rock-star vocals to do something in the room. Those things are not inherently bad; I actually appreciate and enjoy them. But, if we’re not careful we condition our selves and the congregations we lead to *need* those things more than we desire Him and His presence. If we believe, even the tiniest bit, that we can’t encounter God without them then we’ve misunderstood the heart of excellence and the heart of worship.

Encounter with God is the ONLY thing that brings transformation to people in the room. And that cannot be produced. In reality it actually has nothing to do with us. Thankfully, God shows up in spite of us! When we over emphasize excellence in an unhealthy way—a way that’s out of alignment with Scripture—we can start believing that it does have something to do with us. We get hyper focused on what WE are doing in the room and fail to concern ourselves with what God wants to do. And friends, that is a dangerous place to sit.

Production is a cheap, poor substitute for Presence. And excellence is not the same as anointing. Let that sink in.

{All these years later ...}

Someone recently said, “You would think all these years later, it wouldn’t be so bad.” That’s true, until it’s not. Like today. This is the day Hailey died.

I will not likely forget that morning.  The moment is seared into my memory. Several of us were piled in a small room sleeping on the floor.  The hospital staff had graciously offered the space, and it was an improvement on the uncomfortable, unforgiving chairs and sofa in the waiting room. It was a tight squeeze, but I appreciated having people I loved dearly within arm’s reach. The door cracked open, and the light from the hallway cut through the room. It was so bright. It seemed intrusive. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, thinking that whoever had just opened the door might go away if I just pretend to be asleep. They didn’t go away.

The next thing I knew, I was standing in the cold hallway being told to scrub up. Things hadn’t gone well for Hailey during the night, and now I needed to go see her.

She was two days post-heart surgery. I couldn’t hold her. In fact, it seemed impossible to get to her at all through the jungle of wires and monitors. But I found her tiny hand. Her little body had been so traumatized by the surgery. She was swollen, and her skin was a strange shade of pasty white. I held her hand, stroked the bottoms of her tiny feet, and kissed the top of her head a hundred times, tears streaming down my face. I was so tired, and this was the moment it seemed to sink all the way in that she actually might not come home with me. She didn’t open her eyes that morning, but I stood with her for as long as I could before the monitors screamed and the nurses hurried me out of the room. She only lived a few more hours. And when the doctor delivered the news, I was utterly devastated.

All these years later…

I know it’s ok not to be ok. I also know I belong to a God who makes it His business to heal the broken-hearted and bind up wounds, even those that pierce us to the core. You know, the ones we think we won’t survive. Yeah, He sure does. He does a masterful job mending the things that are broken. God is so good at being God.

I know that you don’t get over these things. They mark you forever.  I also know that you can learn how to carry grief forward in a way that honors where you’ve been without keeping you from where God intends for you to go. You don’t have to get stuck. But, you also have to want to get well. I wallowed for a while, allowing resentment and bitterness to set in. But, I realize now that I’ve come to know and understand the redeeming power of God’s love in a way I might not have otherwise known BECAUSE this is part of my story. I’ve seen His goodness and faithfulness over and over again. I know He means it when He says He’s always with us, even in the valley of the shadow of death.

I know refusing to acknowledge pain and grief only leads to more pain and grief. If we have the courage to be honest with ourselves, our people, and God, then we can move through the pain and come out on the other side better for having suffered it. God can’t fully address things we refuse to acknowledge. And He cannot redeem the things we refuse to put in His hands. When standing in the middle of impossible situations, look up. Lock eyes with Jesus and let Him at your heart.

I know God weaves the strands of our lives together to make something good and beautiful. He uses all things — every moment, every tragedy, every tear, every failure, every success. God's lavish, extravagant love and power redeem and restore broken things; all things work together for good and His purpose because He loves us. That’s His promise. When you belong to Him, nothing is wasted and beyond His reach.

I know that one day He will wipe every tear from our eyes, and there will be no more pain, no more sickness, and no more death. And I know in the meantime, He holds us in the palm of His very strong hand. He is full of grace and patient, and kind beyond measure.

Be encouraged today, friends. He loves you so. If you let Him at your heart and invite Him into the broken places, into your disappointment, He will show just how much He loves you. And, it will absolutely blow your mind. There is no pain or brokenness worth holding on to compared to the treasure that He is. I had to open my hands and let go of all my stuff to grab hold of Him. There is nothing that matters more than knowing Him and loving Him. Deeply. Wholeheartedly. Unapologetically.

Because Jesus changes everything. He’s done that for me and can do it for you, too.

Sometimes . . .

God is not necessarily trying to break our hearts by directing our path through hard places. 

. . . 

But, friends, He is trying to make us look like Jesus. 

. . . 

You know what else He wants to do? 

. . . 

He wants to cultivate a deep trust in Him and dependence on Him. 

. . . 

He wants to make us ready for all the things He planned and purposed for us before we breathed our first breath. The things He sees coming that we can’t even imagine. 

. . . 

He wants to teach us how to point people to Jesus in all things. He wants to show us how He makes beautiful things out of the hard places. 

. . . 

And above all, He wants us know Him more deeply and intimately and love Him most.

. . . 

Sometimes, heartbreak leads to deeper humility and trust. Sometimes, hard things give you eyes to see Jesus more clearly than before. Why only sometimes? Because you get to choose. 

Choose to surrender. Choose to believe. Choose to trust. Choose to see. 

He cares for us deeply, and He always keeps His promises. 

But, Why? (Five-Minute Friday Style)

Go.

Why? 

Oh goodness. Sometimes, you have to let go of the need to know why. You have to be ok not knowing. Confession: I'm not always good at that. But, thankfully, Holy Spirit is patiently teaching me. There have been times when, instead of trusting God's nature, I have demanded answers from Him. Why did that happen to me? Why didn't you protect me? Why didn't you heal her? Why did you let him die? Why? There are SO many things wrong with this mindset. But, let's land here: He's God. I am not. I mistakenly believed God owed me some explanation. Real talk? He doesn't. Indeed, God can handle my questions. It's just that my questions were coming from a place of anger and bitterness. And, that's never good. Sometimes, we believe we have earned the right to be angry, and we guard the wounded places of our hearts. But God wants unrestricted access to our wounded hearts and the broken pieces of our lives. And when you invite Him to work in those fractured, hidden places, guess what happens?  You start asking different questions. And, knowing why doesn't seem all that important because you trust Him. So, instead of demanding answers to all of the whys, you ask God to reveal something of Himself to you. You ask the Holy Spirit to teach you things, to make you more like Jesus. You learn to lean into the truth that Jesus changes everything. Here's the thing: We have to want Him more than we want answers to all the why questions. He wants to be the one thing we desire above all else. We have to trust Him more than we need to have every answer. Because, friends, there are seasons of life when HE is the only thing that makes sense. He's unchanging. He's constant. He's true. And, He's perfectly trustworthy. He never gets it wrong. Never.

Stop.